Neversink

Everything was silent, still. My window could easily have been a frame and the view a painting; it was only the slight rustle of leaves that ruined the illusion. No grumbling cars with exhausts puffing out black smoke. No people talking, shouting, fighting. Always making noise. So much noise. Day and night. Collected winter dust danced in the streeks of sunlight that landed on my bed. My Nikon, a present from Dad’s guilty conscience, wasn’t zooming out and I was trying desperately to fix it so I could capture the postcard view. Zac and I had decided to escape the falling debris of our parents’ messy divorce and spend the remaining weeks of summer vacation at the family cottage in Neversink. The country was such a change from the frantic East Village of New York City. It was somewhere I could actually hear myself think and take real photos; there were only so many pigeons, gross sidewalks and looming grey skyscrapers a girl could photograph in one lifetime. Zac was leaving for Cornell to study Anthropology at the end of vacation, so we made a pact to make the most of our trip at the cottage. Why he then decided to invite Elias Baker, a slimy slacker in his homeroom, I have no freakin’ clue. This guy had a God-given gift to undermine everyone he encountered; he’d call me ‘Andrea’ constantly. He didn’t even pronounce it right. He knew it was Andy, he knew it. Asshole. I’d seen him hanging out with Zac a bit at school but I never really thought they were that close. He was the kinda guy that showed up to a hiking vacation in an Avirex jacket, brand-new Guess jeans and fancy sneakers. A total moron. The car ride to Neversink was total torture, Elias droned on and on about how hard his life was; the silver spoon in his mouth just begged to be shoved down his throat. I didn’t get it, why would Zac hang out with someone like him? They’re total polar opposites. Zac is kind and considerate, he literally volunteers at food banks on the weekend, but Elias is so entitled and lazy and vain. He couldn’t give less of a fuck about anyone else. I chucked the camera onto my bed. Geez, who was I kidding? I couldn’t fix it. My eyes traced Neversink River that ran past my window and greeted the reservoir in the distance, surrounded by striped maple trees. It had been so long since I’d seen the reservoir, I could hardly remember it. I threw on a red tee, denim overalls and a fanny pack to carry my Olympus. Cameras were like my security blanket, I couldn’t go anywhere without one. I’d just started walking toward the reservoir when Zac called out to me, ‘Wait, hold up! Where ya going? You can’t go out by yourself. We’ll tag along.’ I rolled my eyes. He just had to play the ol’ protective brother as usual. I swear he still sees me as his six-year-old little sister in need of her big brother to fight off the monsters and bullies, or to comfort me when Mum and Dad have one of their shouting matches. I cut myself on a plate once that Mum had thrown, full force, at Dad’s head. I didn’t see the remains when I went to grab a glass of water later that night. Cut deep into my tiny foot. I’ve never seen Zac so angry. But I liked being alone. It was tiring having to impress people all the time. I wasn’t like Zac. People always swarmed to him. He loved the attention, craved it almost, it was his oxygen. I preferred mine a bit fresher. ‘Come on Elias, we’ll catch the new Friends episode later,’ Zac said. When Elias finally appeared, he was no longer wearing his flashy get-up, but the Knicks sweater I gave Zac one Christmas and his favourite combat boots. No way, no way had Zac given those to him to wear. I looked at Zac to see his reaction, but he was completely unphased, waving at him to hurry up. Elias pulled tight his red bandana, his dark hair tumbling over the top of it, and smirked as he passed in front of me. Ugh, typical. As we reached Neversink Reservoir, the sun disappeared and bruised clouds stole the sky. I started to feel nauseous and clutched my stomach. I thought about turning back but Elias challenged Zac to a race, designating the blue flag that towered up ahead as their finishing line. They shot off like two bullets. I lifted my camera to watch them through the viewfinder. Zac was beating him by a long shot. I chuckled to myself as frustration spread across Elias’s face. I’d never seen him try so hard at anything in his life. Zac looked back toward me, beaming. I waved and went to snap a picture, but he vanished from the frame. My heart skipped a beat and I dropped my camera. He was on the ground. Elias jumped over him and grabbed the flagpole. What an asshole. I sprinted toward him. Zac’s knee was badly cut but they were both laughing like total loons. I knelt down to look but he batted me away like an annoying fly. I felt a sharp pang in my chest. ‘Hey! Look at that old thing.’ Zac pointed to a beat-up, blue rowing boat, just down the slope from the flagpole. It looked as though it had been dragged out of the reservoir and abandoned. Elias jumped onto the front of it and opened his arms wide, gazing over the mass of water. ‘I’m the king of the world. Waaaaahoooo!’ he yelled, copying the scene from the Titanic everyone was talking about. But he was certainly no Leonardo DiCaprio, that’s for sure. ‘We so have to go out in it,’ Elias grinned. ‘Give it a push, dude. Go on, use those non-existent muscles.’ ‘Wait, we can’t just take it, someone might own it,’ I said. Elias glared at me. ‘No one owns this pile of garbage. Are you scared, Andrea? Did no one teach little Andrea how to swim?’ He jumped out of the boat and stared me square in the face. His features were sharp. He was good-looking but there was something unnerving about him. His eyes were almost grey, his lashes long and dark. I stared at the ground and tried to stop myself turning red with anger, worried he might misconstrue it as blushing. Gross. He let the silence linger, smirking. I looked to Zac for help. ‘Come on, Andy, we’re only borrowing it. It’ll be fun. We always used to go kayaking on the reservoir with Mom and Dad,’ Zac pleaded. I frowned. He said he wouldn’t talk about them this trip. He promised me. I never used to go out with them anyhow, I was always the one watching on safe, dry land and taking photos. Zac and I were both terrified of the water, but Dad would force Zac to go out with them. ‘Men can’t be scared of something as pathetic as water, fucking grow a pair,’ he would say. Whereas I’d always get the constant comments on my appearance, ‘What the hell are you wearing Andrea? Jesus, can’t you dress like a girl. You look like a butch lesbian. I better not catch you burning any of your bras.’ I cut my hair super short after that, modelled after Julie Andrews and Audrey Hepburn. He stopped speaking to me then, completely. I was obviously a lost cause. Not the daughter he’d imagined or ever really wanted. The last time we spoke properly was when he gave Zac his college money and me the Nikon, which of course came with the extra gift of letting us know that Mum and him were finally getting a divorce. Such sweet memories, definitely one to put in the scrapbook. ‘No freakin’ way.’ I backed up until I bumped into the flagpole. ‘Come on, Andrea. Are you seriously this much of a sissy?’ sneered Elias. ‘Just leave her. Let’s go Zac.’ I folded my arms and stared at the ground. I felt Zac’s eyes on me, but he didn’t say anything. Why didn’t he say anything? I kicked the dirt on the ground like an awkward child at a playground, waiting their turn to play on the swings. ‘Fine, suit yourself,’ Zac shouted. ‘Give me a hand, dude.’ They started to push the little boat into the water. The reservoir resisted. It had become choppy and they struggled to shove it a decent distance from the edge. I heard the whistle of an eagle and looked up into the sky. Nothing. A faint amber outlined the threatening clouds like the edge of a piece of paper that had just been set alight. Fuck. I couldn’t let him go out there alone with that moron. Zac glanced back at me and then picked up the oars to start rowing. ‘Wait, wait!’ I shrieked. With a small run-up, I leaped as far as I could and just managed to make the boat. ‘Andy!’ Zac grabbed my arm to stop me tumbling back, but I’d forgotten to zip up my fanny pack and my camera toppled out into the reservoir. I leant over the side and looked desperately into the dim, murky water. It was gone. Swallowed whole. Damn it. ‘You alright?’ Zac asked, checking me to make sure I had all my limbs. ‘I’m fine, I’m fine!’ I shouted, pushing him away. ‘Who do you think you are? Lara Croft?’ We looked at each other and burst out laughing. ‘What a loser,’ Elias muttered under his breath. I wanted to punch him. They picked up the oars and started to row again, competing to see whose stroke could be more powerful, making the boat rock even more than it already was. I placed my head in my hands, focused on the floor, counting the cracks in the wood to stop the world from spinning. My breaths became shorter, sharper. I glanced up at Zac to see if he’d noticed that I wasn’t exactly looking the best shade of human. Nope. I was about to tell them to turn back when a sudden flash of lightening ripped through the sky and illuminated the reservoir. The boys stopped rowing, dropping the oars with a thud. A growl of thunder followed, causing my heartbeat to echo through my body. The water became more and more turbulent by the second and I grabbed the sides of the boat. I looked back at the blue flag. We were almost in the middle of the reservoir. How had we managed to get so far out? ‘Erm, I think we better go back,’ Zac said. I nodded in agreement, still staring at the sky, waiting for Zeus to throw another lightening bolt and electrify the dark clouds. ‘Don’t have a cow, man. It’s not that bad.’ Elias sounded confident, but I could sense a hidden unease in his voice. Zac ignored him and smiled reassuringly at me. I instantly felt better. Everything was going to be okay. We were going to get out of here. And when we get back to the cottage, I’m going to tell Zac to send Elias home. I’m going to ask him why, why did he bring him here? Did he feel sorry for him? Is there something I don’t know? Then we’ll finally have the vacation we planned, before I lose him to college, where he’ll forget all about me, and I’ll be alone. ‘Come on, Andy, you’re going to have to help me. You can do this. Just focus on the flag, don’t look at the water.’ Zac handed me an oar, but as he bent down to pick up the other, the boat jerked and he was flipped over the side. I gasped and reached out to grab him. I managed to catch his hand but the water pushed against the boat, separating us. Elias and I flew back, hitting our heads against the wood. The wind pressed into my face with all its force, suffocating. I looked over toward Elias, his cool, uncaring mask had fallen and panic filled every crevice of his face. He seized the oars and started to row back toward land. With all my strength, I pulled myself upright. My head pounded and a searing pain spread down my neck. ‘Where is Zac? Elias! Where the hell is Zac?’ I screamed. He ignored me. ‘Fucking answer me!’ ‘He’s too far away,’ he panted. I scanned the water and spotted his blonde hair in the distance. ‘He’s there! Look! We can get to him; we can save him! What are you doing? Turn around. You can’t just fucking abandon him. Elias, stop!’ Another crack of thunder. Rain started to fall heavily from the sky, soaking us in seconds. He didn’t stop. I reached for the oars but he jammed his elbow into my stomach. And then my face. I slammed onto my back, couldn’t move. I opened my mouth and cried out, choking on the rain. My cry hovered in the air in front of me. It never travelled any further. A sour taste swarmed my mouth. My vision blurred and my ears rang with alarm. Everything seemed to slow but my heart raced. The rain felt like nails piercing my skin and my drenched overalls hammered me to the boat. In that moment, something within me was swept away completely, leaving me trembling and empty. Flashes of lightning veined the abyss above. I had to do something. Anything. But my body didn’t move. I was completely numb. I glanced in Elias’ direction, but he was gone. The flagpole appeared, looming next to me. The rocking had stopped. A shockwave gushed through my limbs and I jolted forward. I was safely on land, but there was no sight of my brother. Awareness of what had just happened started to sink in. My nose began to bleed. I watched as the blood dripped onto the blue, chipped paint and became diluted by the rain. Zac was a strong swimmer. He’d got out. He wasn’t gone. He wasn’t. I vaulted out of the boat and shoved it back into the reservoir. I was not going to leave him out there. The waves battered against me and water started to fill the boat. I screamed his name over and over and over, but only the thunder replied, warning me to turn back. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

I’m looking at him now. He’s there, just across the dimly lit room. He’s standing next to his wife. She’s beautiful, blonde, covered in diamonds. They’re laughing and clinking their champagne flutes. The Christmas lights sparkle around them, like a scene from a fairy-tale. He lifts some mistletoe, she blushes, and they kiss. A proper kiss. One that makes everyone else in the room envy their love. I’m going to be sick. The floor shifts beneath me. Is that really him? Is that really Elias? I begin to shake, with shock or anger, I’m not sure. I haven’t seen him since that day. He didn’t even bother to attend the inquest. Elias vanished, believing he could just erase himself from my life, like he was the one who destroyed it. Trampled on it. Crushed it. Utterly. Completely. Come on, focus, be rational. Is it really him this time? I’ve been mistaken before. It’s got me in trouble. I need to control myself, but I can feel it, the anger bubbling up from my stomach. It is him. He’s right there, right in front of me. I can almost touch him. He looks happy, so happy. How fucking dare he. I pour myself more wine, hands shaking, and watch him a second longer, my eyes locked on his face. A waitress flashes me a look of concern but she’s just a blur to me, my gaze is fixed on him. I have to say something. I take a deep breath and dart towards him, between the jolly groups of ladies and gents enjoying the party. I knock people’s arms by accident, causing some to spill their drinks, but I don’t care. You let him die. You let my brother drown. He had his whole life ahead of him and your cowardice snatched it from him. He was finally going to be happy. Genuinely happy. For once in his life. But the words never leave my mouth. I’m choking. I can see the flashes, hear the rumbling. A sour taste tingles on my tongue. I gag. My skin is damp. I’m frozen but trembling. My head is throbbing. I did all I could. I searched for you, Zac, I did. But I wasn’t strong enough. I relied on you, too much. The one time, the one damn time you needed me… I should have run for help. I should have gone back to the cottage and called someone. Why did I think I could find you alone? If only I hadn’t gone on that stupid walk, if only I’d just stayed in that fucking cottage. Then you’d be here, with me. I lost you. It was my fault. Tears tumble down my face onto my neck and the sequins lining the top of my dress. I feel the whole room fall silent. Everyone’s eyes are on me. Panic washes over Elias’s face, like it did that day. He puts an arm around his wife and ushers her towards the door. She looks back at me, worried and confused, like she wants to help, to say something. But what can she say? What can anyone say? The room begins to fill with murky water. I’m floating. Numb. Shoes, tables, cutlery drift around me. Bodies bob in the water, lifeless. I try to reach them, to see their faces, but my hands only pass through them. A bright, golden light shines in the distance, making the dark water sparkle. It’s Zac. But he’s not floating like the others. He’s on the floor, resting on his side, his back to me. I try to swim to him. I wrestle with the water, thrashing my legs and arms, but I don’t even move an inch. I scream. Bubbles transcend from my mouth like little jellyfish. They swim upwards. I follow them. A blue flag comes into sight, leering ominously above the surface. I try to retreat back down, back to Zac, but I’m carried closer, closer. Forgive me.